Back to hating: Crap Drivers

I spent approximately eight hours on our lovely motorways at the weekend and, as always, I was struck by JUST HOW FUCKING STUPID SOME PEOPLE ARE.

Middle lane hoggers. A motorway IS NOT a slow lane, a fast lane and a faster lane. A motorway is, essentially, one lane (the left hand lane) and two overtaking lanes. If you are not overtaking someone (and no, the car two miles ahead travelling 2mph slower than you DOES NOT count) you get in the left hand lane and FUCKING STAY THERE until you need to overtake someone. Once you're done overtaking, return to the left hand lane. This way, those of us who want to go faster than you have two lanes in which to organise ourselves instead of (legally) one.

But we all know this, right? If you're sitting there thinking, 'No, the left hand lane is the slow lane for lorries' then it's you I'm talking to YOU ANNOYING CUNT. And it's no surprise that most of the middle lane hoggers I pass are talking on the phone. I've seen enough accidents and near misses in my many motorway miles to know that it's a risky business and you sitting there chatting on the phone is putting me one step closer to getting killed, so fucking stop it.

When a middle lane hogger is encountered another breed of annoying motorway driver is inevitably experienced - those cunts who come as close behind you as possible and flash their lights in a 'get out of my way' style gesture. Now this, used against the middle lane lot, or similar, is fine (maybe not the getting-as-close-as-possible-thing, but the flashing). They're illegitimately in the way and you're asking them to move. If I'm overtaking someone, however, having pulled out with plenty of room, legitimately taking up overtaking space, I'll be fucked if I'm speeding up anymore just so Mr Wanky Audi can prove he's even more of a prick than is blatantly obvious. And it's always Audis, isn't it? Next time you're on a motorway and you think 'what a wanker', have a look - I bet it's a fucking Audi.

I'll tell you what else I hate - fucking motorway service stations. Most of the time you want to pull in, fill up with petrol, then continue, right? So how come I always end up in the tossing HGV park? Or driving round the fucking car park? I'll tell you why - because the signs are crap and they're trying to fool you into going into their overpriced, piss-stinking excuse for a set of shops. No, I don't want to spend £1 on a packet of crisps that would cost me 20p from a normal shop, you thieving bastards!