Ambition

4pm Thursday afternoon, sitting in a pub, four pints down. I've taken the day off for two reasons - firstly, so I can have some beers at a gig on Wednesday night and not have to go to work with a hangover and secondly so I can deal with the hangover by sitting in the pub all afternoon with my mate. As usual, talk turns to what we'd really like to be doing with our lives if we didn't have to do 'normal work'.

We have plans. We've always had plans - some more realistic than others, but still plans. Mine are finally becoming more certain and, as it's the week of my 28th birthday, I am more aware than ever that time is actually becoming a factor in my life. It's no longer 'what you want to do when you grow up'. This is when I'm grown up and I'm 'doing it'. Except I'm not, but that's why we have plans, isn't it?

Anyway - what's this got to do with ambition? Well - I have ambitions which are, funnily enough, related to my plans. There are things I want to do with my life that I am working toward achieving. But they take time. And success isn't necessarily guarenteed. The problem with this is that it means I have an uncertain future. It is highly possible that, even if my ambitions are partially achieved, I will never have a large house, lots of money and children. I would like a large house, lots of money and, yes, even children. But if I follow my dreams that may never happen. I may never earn a decent wage by doing what I want to do and I may end up too old to have children before I even get round to thinking about it.

But I could not live with myself if I didn't try to fullfil my ambitions. Give up on them and stay in a shit job like this forging a 'career in higher education administration' for the rest of my life? Are you fucking kidding me? I seriously would rather kill myself. Would I rather do what I want to do and not have lots of money, than hate what I'm doing and have money? Too right I would!

This week, though, it seems that my life would be much easier without ambition. I'd love to be happy to sit back and have an easy life, work in a shit boring job earning enough to live nicely and 'work my way up the property ladder'. It ain't going to happen though.