Call Centres
I've always hated call centres, but this week has been particularly busy chez moi. There's so much about them that I hate I really don't know where to start. There's the scripted lines, the 'exclusive offers', the smug 'so you don't want to save money then?' response when I turn them down. So I've been fighting back and I think I'm getting better.
Let me just say, first of all, that I am not overly agressive to the call centre 'operative'. It's not their fault that they do what they do. In fact, I feel quite sorry for them and try my best to cheer them up. It's hard though - especially with a stinking hangover when they've just got me out of bed.
Some of them leave themselves wide open, though, and I try to take advantage. This evening's call was one such example:
Him: Is this Mr Herbert?
Me: Yes.
Him: Mr Herb...I am call...offer you a once...mobile phone. It will...just two pounds ninety nine a month.
Me: I'm sorry - you have a terrible connection. Are you really trying to sell me a telecommunications product? Because you're not really inspiring confidence in me.
Him: Errr...yes we are but...from Phillipines.
Me: You're calling me from the Phillipines?
Him: Yes
Me: Cool. What's the weather like there?
He sort of caught on after that that I wasn't going to buy a phone from him. At least he was fairly honest, though. It's the other lot, who try and reel you into a deal by claiming to be giving something away, that I really hate. I mean, I know I'm never going to buy anything from any of these bastards, but I like to listen to 'what I could have won' sometimes. Picture the scene - 10am Saturday morning. The previous evening saw my first excursion to a certain nightclub in about a year. I'm in bed - I can't sleep because the room won't stop spinning. The phone rings - I think it might be my friend who I am supposed to be meeting in 3 hours:
Me: Ughh
Him (thick Indian accent - which isn't necessarily important, but adds a certain something to the conversation if you adopt it whilst reading this): May I speak with Mr Herbert please?
Me: Ughh.
Him: Mr Herbert. I have a free Sony Ericsson mobile phone here for you. You are one of only 200 people selected to receive this special offer of a FREE mobile phone. It is a Sony Ericsson K750i (or something) with a 1.9 pixel digital camera, video messaging, colour screen, blue tooth, gold plated, diamond encrusted, makes the tea, puts you to bed, pulls you women and it will cost you absolutely nothing.
Me: OK. And it's free yeah?
Him: Yes Mr Herbert - absolutely free for you.
Me: Cool. Do you have my address there?
Him: Yes, it's blah blah blah blah blah.
Me: That's it. Nice one mate - stick it in the post. I'll see you later.
Him: No, Mr Herbert. Please wait one second. You have to pay £15.99 a month line rental.
Me: £15.99 a month?
Him: Yes Mr Herbert.
Me: Well it's not fucking free then, is it?
Him: The phone is free, but you must pay £15.99 a month line rental.
Me: Ok, I don't want line rental. I just want the phone.
Him: You have to have line rental to have a phone Mr Herbert.
Me: Not if I don't want to make calls I don't. I just want to use the camera.
The converstation degenerated from there into small talk about the weather in New Delhi at this time of year and, in the end, he promised to take my name and number off their list.
Let me just say, first of all, that I am not overly agressive to the call centre 'operative'. It's not their fault that they do what they do. In fact, I feel quite sorry for them and try my best to cheer them up. It's hard though - especially with a stinking hangover when they've just got me out of bed.
Some of them leave themselves wide open, though, and I try to take advantage. This evening's call was one such example:
Him: Is this Mr Herbert?
Me: Yes.
Him: Mr Herb...I am call...offer you a once...mobile phone. It will...just two pounds ninety nine a month.
Me: I'm sorry - you have a terrible connection. Are you really trying to sell me a telecommunications product? Because you're not really inspiring confidence in me.
Him: Errr...yes we are but...from Phillipines.
Me: You're calling me from the Phillipines?
Him: Yes
Me: Cool. What's the weather like there?
He sort of caught on after that that I wasn't going to buy a phone from him. At least he was fairly honest, though. It's the other lot, who try and reel you into a deal by claiming to be giving something away, that I really hate. I mean, I know I'm never going to buy anything from any of these bastards, but I like to listen to 'what I could have won' sometimes. Picture the scene - 10am Saturday morning. The previous evening saw my first excursion to a certain nightclub in about a year. I'm in bed - I can't sleep because the room won't stop spinning. The phone rings - I think it might be my friend who I am supposed to be meeting in 3 hours:
Me: Ughh
Him (thick Indian accent - which isn't necessarily important, but adds a certain something to the conversation if you adopt it whilst reading this): May I speak with Mr Herbert please?
Me: Ughh.
Him: Mr Herbert. I have a free Sony Ericsson mobile phone here for you. You are one of only 200 people selected to receive this special offer of a FREE mobile phone. It is a Sony Ericsson K750i (or something) with a 1.9 pixel digital camera, video messaging, colour screen, blue tooth, gold plated, diamond encrusted, makes the tea, puts you to bed, pulls you women and it will cost you absolutely nothing.
Me: OK. And it's free yeah?
Him: Yes Mr Herbert - absolutely free for you.
Me: Cool. Do you have my address there?
Him: Yes, it's blah blah blah blah blah.
Me: That's it. Nice one mate - stick it in the post. I'll see you later.
Him: No, Mr Herbert. Please wait one second. You have to pay £15.99 a month line rental.
Me: £15.99 a month?
Him: Yes Mr Herbert.
Me: Well it's not fucking free then, is it?
Him: The phone is free, but you must pay £15.99 a month line rental.
Me: Ok, I don't want line rental. I just want the phone.
Him: You have to have line rental to have a phone Mr Herbert.
Me: Not if I don't want to make calls I don't. I just want to use the camera.
The converstation degenerated from there into small talk about the weather in New Delhi at this time of year and, in the end, he promised to take my name and number off their list.
posted by Percy Herbert at
6:48 pm
7 Comments:
I once forced a double-glazing teleseller to hang up on me in frustration.... he was a bit rude actually. He started it though, he asked if I wanted to buy windows and I said no, he then said What never? so I told him where it was in my list and proceded to talk about decorating the hall, damp proof, central heating, landscape gardening and whether or not I should prune back my budlia. He hung up in the end...... how rude I thought. :^)
By
Anonymous, at 11:52 am
I think Roger was having a bit of an "allo-allo" moment with his first post!
Quit me hippy! :o)
By
Anonymous, at 11:54 am
I'm not making this up - I've just written a presentation including the fiollowing -
"We plan to share a view of the modern customer’s agenda that will enable contact centre professionals to move your thinking on and deliver a truly consumer driven 21st century service."
I worry about my day job sometimes..
By
Mike, at 9:44 am
Mike, pick some of the following phrases and create a paragraph that means something, I double dare you!! :o)
---------------------------------
i) Leveraging synergies
ii) thinking outside the box
iii) Running with the ball
iv) promoting a 'can do' ethos
v) Taking on board a generic look and feel to forward looking opportunities in the enterprise domain.
I toyed with the idea of filtering these type of phrases out of emails but then I figured I'd just have an inbox full of blank pages!
By
Anonymous, at 5:34 pm
Then just for a laugh, try:-
http://isd.usc.edu/~karl/Bingo/
By
Anonymous, at 5:44 pm
Leveraging synergies though thinking outside the box is the equivalent of running with the ball
when promoting a 'can do' ethos.
We'll be taking on board a generic look and creating a feeling for forward looking opportunities in the enterprise domain.
I added 9 words.
God I hate myself!!!
By
Anonymous, at 2:38 pm
For best results witrh cold callers:
Answer phone.
Accept call politely and engage in whatever nonsense they wish to for a minute or two.
Excuse yourself gently for a moment.
Hand the phone to your 3 year old child while he is, well, taking a shit.
Encourage him to tell the individual at the other end what is occurring.
Time how long it takes for them to hang up.
Wait patiently for them to ring back so you can do it again.
And yes, there are less demeaning forms of employment.
I have no sympathy for the cunts.
Get a job cleaning a hospital, and have some fucking dignity.
By
The Great Blandini, at 10:51 pm
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